This is a question that many of us struggle with. When we are head deep in family responsibilities and stressors, our minds immediately jump to, “I feel lost”, “I’m not who I use to be” and we start to somehow envision that who we use to be is much better than who we are now.
But the reality is that nobody is a static human being, and as women our roles change drastically throughout our lives. I’m here to tell you that it is OKAY. It is okay to change, it is okay to lose yourself in motherhood, because what you find as you are immersed in it, may be infinitely better than what you were.
I believe that a lot of our anxiety in motherhood comes from cultural pressures and expectations. We tend to selfishly think that motherhood is going to serve me. We sometimes go into it thinking, “This is going to make ME so happy”, “I’M going to be this [insert any expectation you may have] kind of mother” and then reality hits hard, because motherhood is a vocation.
A vocation is God’s call to a particular state in life. This is independent of a career you may be pursuing. The purpose of a vocation is to carve out a way towards sanctification. This is the process by which we grow in sanctity, as best we can, while here on earth.
So, back to our original question, “Why have I lost my identity in Motherhood?”
I would argue that part of it is because you may have forgotten, or may not know, that it is a vocation, a divine calling to grow in holiness.
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” – Luke 10:27
This is the calling of all Catholics and Christians alike. We are called to love God above all things, and our neighbor as well.
As mothers we are given a very special way of doing so, a way that clearly gives us a way of dying to self and serving others: Our Children.
Motherhood is not a loss of identity – (although it may feel that way at times!)
Motherhood helps us find our identity. You will never really know how strong you are until you have had to endure for someone else. You will never know selfless you can be, until you have had to sacrifice for somebody else. We endure and sacrifice for our children day in and day out.
“For whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” – Matthew 16:25
The focus is taken off of ourselves, and we are able to lose our lives for someone else. Now you may be thinking, well in the scripture verse it clearly states we are to lose our lives for the Lord. Yes, this is true! Take into consideration that the Lord has entrusted your children to you. Our highest calling in motherhood is to raise saints up for the Lord. We do itfor His sake.
The Lord has given us the power to influence our families in a powerful way, and our communities.
“These words that I am commanding you today must always be on your minds. Recite them to your children. Talk about them when you are sitting around your house and when you are out and about, when you are lying down and when you are getting up.” – Deuteronomy 6: 6 – 7
We are the tool through which the Lord can use to sanctify our children, through our example, our dedication and our love for them.
This in turn also sanctifies us, because this forces us to slowly let go of our disordered attachments and learn to truly love selflessly, and model godly behavior
They see how we behave; therefore, they imitate.
“Train children in the way they should go; when they grow old they won’t depart from it.” – Proverbs 22:6
We have forgotten or have never been taught the beauty of motherhood because we live in a culture that minimizes it.
It is no wonder that we end up feeling anxiety in motherhood, like we have lost ourselves in motherhood, or that we are just not “cut” out for it.
I’m here to tell you to take courage. The Lord does not see you that way. He strengthens you; he leads you and guides you when you seek Him. We walk away, the Lord does not.
Our children run to us for almost every need imaginable, and it can feel daunting sometimes, scary and even burdensome. God offers His help every step of the way, we need to continuously turn to Him in prayer and thanksgiving, confiding in His divine plan to sanctify us through our families.
God chose you. He chose women to collaborate intimately with Him to create a dwelling place for an eternal soul.
There’s this beautiful quote by Cardinal Jozsef Mindszenty on this very topic that really helps me when I am struggling with motherhood and identity.
“The most important person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral – a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby’s body. The angels have not been blessed with such a grace. They cannot share in God’s creative miracle to bring new saints to heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creature; God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation. What on God’s good earth is more glorious than this; to be a mother?”
Rest in that my dear mother, you who are tired and weary. You who are burdened, and feel lost. The beauty for what God has created you is much more than anything that you could ever imagine up for yourself. You were chosen to collaborate with God to create an immortal soul. You have shared in the creation of an immortal soul (or many if you have more than one child). Praise the Lord, and remember that the next time you are struggling to rediscover yourself after motherhood. Motherhood will reveal the beauty of who you are in anything you choose to pursue in your life because the old you is being chipped away, and the you that is being sanctified and perfected in the Lord is being revealed through your vocation as a mother.
You are becoming more beautiful than what you were, or what you could ever be prior to becoming a mother. Let us look to our Blessed Mother for guidance, in confidence that she will lead us to the one Divine Truth – Our Lord, Jesus Christ. You can pray the Litany of Loreto here to ask our Blessed Mother’s intercession on our path to sanctity through Motherhood.
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